Pretending
by new adventures
Summary: Deeks doesn't like Halloween. Is he frightened of the ghosts and goblins, or is there more to his fears? One team member finds out. For the NCISLA MAGAZINE DEEKS CHALLENGE.


_Here's my entry for the NCISLA Magazine Deeks Challenge. It popped into my head, and I hope you enjoy it!_

* * *

"You're not going?" Kensi asked, a little shocked.

"Nope," Deeks replied as he stuffed some papers and a laptop into his messenger bag.

"Let me guess. Candy is the number two killer after office chairs. Am I right?" Sam grinned at the shaggy-haired detective next to him.

Deeks shook his head. "Ha, but no. I just don't see the need to devote an entire evening to dress up."

"Free drinks? That's the clincher for me," Callen remarked.

"See Deeks? Even Callen is in the Halloween spirit." Kensi looked at her desk mate. "What are you going as, G?"

"I was thinking about a federal agent in tactical gear."

Kensi shook her head. "That's cheating."

"Don't worry, I'll get G ready. You take care of your partner, ok? We'll see you two at 10." Sam and Callen headed out.

Deeks stood at the entrance of the bullpen. "Can you drop me off at my place before you go out? You, uh, you drove today."

Kensi nodded and they walked out to her car.

"So you really don't like Halloween? Too scary for the mighty Marty? HA!" She laughed in that frightening way that only Kensi Blye can do, too amused at her own joke.

"It's not that I don't like Halloween. I just don't see the need to don a costume and go out in public," Deeks replied matter-of-factly.

Kensi couldn't leave the conversation at that. "Why? It's just a night of fun."

Deeks sighed as he looked over at the woman in the driver's seat. "You really want to know?" At her affirmative head nod, he continued. "Too many years, too many memories."

"Too many years of what? Of – HEY! Watch where you're going Batman!" Kensi yelled out the open window. A group of super heroes clumsily wandered across the street in front of Kensi's SRX. "Looks like Gotham's finest got an early start."

They drove in silence for a bit. "You really don't want to go tonight? Could you at least explain why? I thought partners told each other everything."

"You never did tell me about your friend and that guy in college…" Deeks brought up.

"Really? Nice change of subject," she answered. "Please, Deeks?"

"Kensi, what do we do for a living?"

She frowned at him. "Did you forget?"

"We go undercover. We become other people. Very rarely do we get to be ourselves outside of the office. Before I started working with NCIS, I went undercover for long periods of time, sometimes so long that it was harder to be myself again at the end than just stay under," Deeks explained.

"I've never done a deep cover. It must be hard," Kensi remarked.

"I'm tired of having to be someone else. Halloween is fine for kids but I don't want or need to dress up as something other than me. At the end of the day, I just want to be Marty Deeks, regardless of what the calendar says." Deeks turned his face to look out the window.

Kensi pulled up to the curb outside Deeks' home. "There's more to it, isn't there?" She watched him as he mulled over his thoughts. His eyes stared outside, but his lips quivered a bit as if getting ready to speak. After a short delay, Deeks looked at her.

"I've been pretending to be someone else my whole life, Kens. It doesn't make me feel safe, like pretending does for some." He paused to gather the rest of his courage to go on. "From my earliest memories as a kid, I pretended to be someone else to get through… to get through it all. I made my own cape out of an old dish towel. I cut holes in a stocking cap to use as a mask. That way no one could see my face."

Kensi suddenly understood. "Deeks, I'm so sorry. I didn't know. You don't have to tell me."

He shook his head and looked her in the eyes. "No, I want to. Friends share things like this, right? Growing up, every holiday was bad. It didn't matter which one; there was always some kind of holiday special at the corner bar. My d—Gordon liked Halloween. He dressed up to go out, sometimes he would take my mom and get a sitter for me. After I was in bed, he would come home drunk. My childhood memories of Halloween are of being beaten by a werewolf or a vampire or even Frankenstein. As hard as I tried to pretend, my cape and mask couldn't save me. When I went to school the next day, I had to pretend like nothing happened. I would lie about trick-or-treating and tripping over a rock."

Deeks had to stop and take a deep breath before he could go on.

"Costumes and Halloween night were a lot scarier to me than any Freddy Krueger movie. I lived a real nightmare. Once I got out of that house, I boycotted the holiday."

"I… I don't even know what to say, Deeks. No child should ever have to go through that." Kensi's eyes were brimming with tears.

He went on with his story. "I was so nervous for my first undercover assignment on the force. I knew what I had to do, but when it came time to dress the part, my stomach was in knots. It was bad but I survived. Little by little, I felt more comfortable going under. I realized I could do more good and help save people by not being myself. I got really good at being someone else. It was actually easier most of the time. Then, um, one day I accidentally ran into my mom while on a case. I was undercover and didn't expect to see her where I did, but she recognized me. She tried to talk to me, and I had to ignore her and treat her badly – like my alter ego would. We hadn't seen each other in several years, and the first time I saw her I pushed her away," he remembered sadly.

"It wasn't your fault. You were on a case. Did you ever get to explain it to her?" Kensi asked. They were still sitting in her car talking, and she had no desire to be anywhere else.

Slowly his head swiveled from side to side. "No," he said, barely above a whisper. "I tried, after the case wrapped up. She didn't want to hear anything I said. We haven't spoken since that day. And since then I vowed to always be myself unless the job dictated otherwise. It's not Halloween itself that is too scary - it's the memories that are." Deeks grabbed the door handle. "I'm going in. Have fun tonight."

Kensi followed him to his front door. "Deeks, can I come in?"

He shrugged. "I guess. Won't you be late?"

"Sam and Callen can handle the techie twosome without me."

They entered his living room and he switched on the lights. The orange arrow illuminated the corner.

"Want a drink? Food?" he offered.

She shook her head. "I'd really like you to come out with us tonight. I know, I know - " she said, holding up her hands to ward off his refusal. "—that you don't want to dress up in a costume. How about if we go as ourselves?"

Deeks looked at her skeptically. "Then what's the point? I thought you wanted to go out because it's Halloween."

"Other than our teammates, no one knows what we do for a living. So it will be kind of like we're in costume but we're not. Check this out -" Kensi ran into Deeks' bedroom then back out with a shirt in her hand. "Here, you can wear this plaid flannel, and I…" She reached down into the bag that she had carried in with her, "will wear mine." She held up one of her own plaid flannel shirts.

"I don't know, Kens. That seems kind of, uh, weird," he replied.

Kensi sighed and put her hands on her hips. "How am I supposed to go out as half of a dynamic crime-fighting duo without my partner?" She bent down and rummaged through her bag again. "Look, I even have these for us." Kensi held up a pair of shoulder holsters and two squirt guns. She smiled at him. "Please, Deeks? Please?"

He ran his hand through his hair and looked at her. She looked so excited and hopeful, and despite his hesitations about the holiday, he couldn't let her down. Deeks nodded. "Ok. But I get to be the irresistibly handsome partner who charms everyone with his witty banter."

Kensi rolled her eyes and smiled. "I thought you didn't like to pretend."


End file.
